Don’t Call Me a“Baby Momma”
The Urban dictionary has several definitions of what a “baby momma” is — some paint the most horrendous definitions like this one below.
Is an unwed woman who sleeps with a man and gets pregnant.
“ Im not married to Darnell, but he got me pregnant. I cant stand him, so now i am just his baby mama.”
There are so many things I found wrong with this. Women are meant to be celebrated, appreciated and cared for by the men in their lives. Together or apart, how can we bridge the gap of communication, loyalty and extended families to bring about change and unified parenting for the children's sake. But also, how can we stop degrading our women as “baby moms.”
In the black community we have a habit of discarding our “baby moms”. Tossing her on a shelf as if her role was to carry your seed, birth your child and then become absolutely obsolete and unnecessary in any other capacity. Why is that? Why do we demean, degrade and cast aside the very Queen, Goddess and Mother of our children? Where and when did we learn to accept this and treat it as if it were okay?
For most women like myself, we never intended to be single mothers, let alone did we ever think we would get brandished with such a title as “baby mom”. For me, I have two children’s fathers. My oldest daughters dad, he and I got together when I was very young( 18 years old) and I didn’t know myself. He was seven years my senior and he was emotionally , physically and mentally abusive to me. We spent 8 semi committed years together in a relationship until I finally got the strength to leave. From that union my oldest daughter was created. After the separation, I remember his demeaning way to refer to me was to call me” baby momma”, as if that somehow to be a “Baby momma” was the demotion from being a girlfriend or if the term justified and solidified his place as a man or made him more important in my life or the term was used to make me seem less as important in his life. Either way- he used it in the most disgusting manner.
My second children’s father to whom I have three beautiful babies with, I can openly say I hadn’t healed from the first relationship when I starting seeing him, so I was broken as a woman. I in turn attracted a broken man. He abused me in a way that I didn’t recognize it was happening until it was over. He mentally, emotionally and spiritually abused me. By lying, deceiving, manipulating, cheating and abandoning me when I needed him the most. I stayed with him for 8 years and I knew him a lifetime. But he has somewhere like 12+ children that I know of and he has one child with each woman accept me, I am the only one with multiple children.
He deems us all as “baby mommas” and when he does, he paints the stereotypical picture that we are all crazy and drama seekers. When in actuality- he is the common denominator in all these cases. To label us “baby moms” is his way of disposing us , our feelings and not taking personal responsibility for his actions and inaction when it comes to being responsible with his penis and responsible as a man and the highest responsibility to be a father to all these children he created. As if “Baby momma” is a demotion in title and also his way to discard women after he’s finished with them or she finds the strength to walk away.
Do you see where I am going here?
There is so much scrutiny, unjust and negativity placed on the words “baby momma.” Almost as if the words were to lessen the woman's place in a mans life, as a woman, mother or ex partner why should she not also be honored and celebrated and treated with respect? No woman get’s into a relationship with a man, to end up alone raising their children as a single mother. No, most of the time children are a result of some kind of consistent relationship whether formal or informal that did not last for whatever reason.
So why shift blame, quick to rule the woman out as unnecessary , problematic and bitter. Rather than look at this from a more deeper understanding and perspective. As if to deem her a “baby mom” is somehow a scapegoat for a man not to take responsibility for his role in the relationship or situation-ship.
Changing the narrative…
I actually despise the use of the term “baby momma” to describe a woman who is doing the best she can in the circumstances she was given.
She is not just a “baby momma” — She is the mother of his children.
That’s the more appropriate words to describe the woman who carried a child for 9 months in her womb, gave birth and will forever raise, nurture, love and oversee the well being of that mans children. Mother is the most powerful word a woman can be called. She deserves respect, she deserves to be treated with the integrity and honor regardless of relationship status. Together or Apart — Parenting is the most important job two people can ever have. It’s so valuable and important and needs to be treated with as much care as possible. After all ,whether the parents are together or apart — how they treat each other and raise the children as a team only impacts the children.
As a society, what are the stereotypes, negative portrayals and indignation that come to mind when you think of a woman deemed as a “baby momma.” I won’t write it but.. Why does she carry the negative view? Why is she often misunderstood and left carrying the burden, heartbreak and responsibility of two people on her own? Mind you, if she’s Parenting with a broken heart the children are feeling that in some way as well. If she suffers in anyway, the kids suffer and that’s the point of this blog. To start changing the conversations and narratives around single mothers.
Back in the day men had to marry the women they impregnated. There was a societal push on family, responsibility, humanity and the children’s futures. Making men, bear the burden of their choices as well. There was no running out on your responsibilities. Today- men escape sometimes even before the child is born and slap this dehumanizing term on the woman as if the title it’s self diminishes her femininity, position and overall being in his life. Baby mommas, child support orders and fatherless children are the norm seems like.
Blending / Co-parenting/ Parallel Parenting = Family
The absence and lack of the family structure has been the demise of our community for years. Why not change the trajectory? Why not change the words we use? Why not try to listen, focus and build stability together even apart? Blending our families, successful co parenting or if all else fails — parallel parenting is always an answer.
What if he is married now or in a new relationship?
The love a man has for a woman who is raising his child — should not interfere with the love, affection and attentiveness he has for his wife, girlfriend or new situation. So many times, our fears come in to play causing reactions that prompt our emotions to flare, our egos to engage which prompts jealousy and defensiveness. Women whether wife, girlfriend or significant other want to feel as though they are number one. As she should. That love and bond should be solidified in its own right and does not diminish based on the place of the woman who is raising his child(ren). His child's mother e does not have to be second or third or anywhere on that high ranking list- but she has to be on it for the betterment of his children. You see if he can treat the mother of his child as if she is nothing, and have no communication with her — the children suffer and grow up in a hostile environment and miss the union of having unified parents.
So I challenge this — Can we find a better way to be apart but together — for the sake of the children? Blend the family. Speak openly. Check our “feelings” so that nothing is getting in the way of whats best for the child? Also, just that reminder that a mans love for his current relationship does not have to be a either or there just needs to be a mutual respect, understanding and placement for both women in his life. As a girlfriend or wife — can you let this man care in general for the woman that is raising his children? If not I challenge that question with a “why”?
The words we choose to answer this says a lot about us individually. Our projections, our attachments styles, past and fears often come in to play. The viewpoint we take when we express ourselves on such a serious subject, is our perspective and its often commingled when our ego, pride and jealousy begin to speak for us. His child’s mother is not a wife or girlfriends competition. She simply has a forever role to play in his life as well, raising their children. To do so effortlessly and seamlessly — the most respect and communication and care is needed.
If the child's mother and child's father are still messing around — that is a whole other blog. This one is just about the fact that demeaning a woman, a mother and Queen with the term “baby mom” to satisfy a cultural perception, stereotype or negative connotation is dismissive and condescending.
Lets change the narrative, the conversation and the term “Baby’s Mom” perhaps.
A few take ways…
- Evaluate the heart of the reasons for the use of the title “baby momma” , is it used as a scapegoat, victim blame and demean a woman’s position as a Mother.
- A child’s mother is a part of accepting the package deal with the man.
- How both mother and father interact in the parenting space plays a huge roll on the children and their overall representation of family.
- Shift the conversation of respect for the mother of a child. Lets not place negative stereotypes and judgments on someone to isolate them or categorize them. As a society and community- lets seek to understand.
- Blending the family would mean that the child's father would take responsibility in all aspects of the child's life and assist his co parent in raising their child together. Everyone involved should be amicable and build a relationship of trust, basic care and respect founded on the sake of the children.
- Wives/girlfriends and children’s mothers are not in competition with each other. Instead both women play a significant role in the children’s lives. It’s instrumental for the man in this picture to emphasize the nature of both women’s role and importance.
Celebrated “baby mom” definition:
Baby mom = The Mother of a mans child. She is a Queen who carried a child to birth and will forever be its care taker, foundation and light. Although she is no longer in a romantic connection with the father of her child, she is however apart of the parenting dynamic with him forever. She is to be celebrated and treated with respect. For both her and her children are important and worthy of care, contentment and compassion.
***
Work cited: The Urban Dictionary
