Overcoming Mental Residue: How to move forward after a Narcissistic breakup
It will happen, you will get over him it just takes time and lots of soul work. I remember the days and nights when I wished and wished my feelings for my narcissistic ex partner would subside. The ruminating was constant. I thought the day would never come when I’d be free of the hurt, pain, jealousy, guilt, “love,” abandonment, fear, depression and hopes that he’d come back. I remember at one point even begging God to help make my feelings for him go away. I felt trapped in time, trapped in the life he promised me, trapped in the hope or worry that if I let go and moved on — I’d be missing my happily ever after one day!
Until one day — I had to sit myself down and say “ Girllllllll there’s no happily ever after with a person who has narcissistic personality disorder.” Let’s be honest here. No one gets a happily ever after with a narcissist, not even the new girlfriend (victim). Once you realize and accept this perspective- your healing process will officially begin. The day I was able to accept that truth- was the day I got serious about my healing, letting go, creating healthy boundaries and moving on.
You’ll be happy to know that day comes and several more days came, along with months and now years have passed and I am living the healed process. I’m not perfect by no means- I do occasionally have a rough moment, reactions that I’m not proud of but the feelings never linger for a long period anymore. I’ve learned to let go, move forward and reset. You will too!
Here are a few things that have helped me tremendously overcome the mental residue and move forward.
The healing process…
The healing process after a narcissist, is a lot different than a normal break up. Why? That’s because you were tricked, used, manipulated, triangulated and robbed in the name of “Love” which is a special kind of terror, horror and evil. Most women don’t even know that the man they’re dealing with is narcissistic or even sociopathic, which leaves you navigating the healing space blindly. You’re lost in a cloud of what just happened, who am I and how do I find my way back to normalcy?
I have good news, you will find your way out, you will figure out what just happened and you will get back a sense of normalcy and even more. It just takes, time, acceptance, boundaries and education.
Acceptance…
Feel your feelings. It’s important to really feel your feelings and emotions surrounding the breakup. Our brains automatically go into protection mode which can cause dissociation, abuse amnesia, or a number of any coping mechanisms. I found that facing the truth of what happened, the truth around my feelings, and emotions while simultaneously accepting the truths and facts around the relationship and my ex partner is what kick started my healing process. It’s really sucks to admit that your partner didn’t really love you, that they didn’t mean all those things they said to you and it sucks to process those truths. The narc lied in order to continue to benefit from being connected to you. You were one of many victims experiencing the same traumatic heartache. True acceptance of the circumstances wholeheartedly opens the doorway of the healing process.
Space and time is your best friend…
The more time you spend away from the narcissist the better. I’m sure you’ve read that no contact or low contact is the saving grace to the healing process and it’s so true. The narcissist only has power over you if they’re able to reach you, talk to you, text you, email you or pop up at your house or known locations. This is where those boundaries come into play. It’s a protective mechanism for you. Not allowing the narcissist to run rampant in your life how they see fit turns the power struggle back to you. You’re back in control. Narcs love to have control and habitually line cross. To change that you take the power back. If you block him, change your number and make yourself less available, you’ve begun the process of cutting this narc from your life.
Creating healthy boundaries with space and time will aide you tremendously in the healing process.
Educate yourself…
The best way to conquer your feelings after the breakup with a narcissist is to continue to do this. Educate yourself on them. Understand the way they think, act and move in the dating scene. Being able to recognize the red flags will aide you both in the healing process but also in the future when you enter the dating arena again. Building yourself up with knowledge and understanding of narcissists is both therapeutic and validating.
The more you know, the more you grow. Believe it or not but this treacherous experience will become the road map for what not to accept and it will serve you in the future as Wisdom.
The soul work…
The soul work is when you look deeply within yourself, your past and find the roots which caused you to choose a narcissist partner and accept such unacceptable behavior and treatment in a relationship. This also takes a lot of time and shouldn’t be rushed. I’d suggest you find a great trauma informed therapist, counselor or mentor who can walk with you as you uncover the hurts within. Sometimes we discover that father issues, childhood abuse, neglect or our view of love was always obscured. But whatever it is, make sure you have a great support system to help you properly process those things.
• Let time do it’s job. Time heals all wounds. This space you’re in is temporary.
• Narcissists have no boundaries- make sure you set healthy ones for yourself. If you’re “co-parenting” make some healthy boundaries around your child(ren) as well.
• Continue to educate yourself on Narcissists. The more you know the more powerful you will feel and the more powerful you feel; the more in control of the situation you will feel.
• Look within Yourself retrospectively to find root causes. Never feel ashamed or fearful to seek professional help & advice. Trauma is often the center of our attraction to narcissists.
In the end you will heal. You will move forward. You will regain some sense of normalcy again but it won’t happen over night and it will require great change and inner peace, strength, encouragement and soul work.
