Overcoming Single Mom Shame…
For so long I feared the stigma associated with being a single mother.
Walking alone, going out in public with all of my children alone, parenting alone and being the sole provider, caretaker and person that my children depended on. The thought of carrying all of that alone was so scary, no actually in someways it is still scary. The fear of public opinion, judgement, accusations, assumptions and stereotypes —plague “Mom Shame.”
Which in retrospect — I can say it is one of the reasons I held on so tightly to the thought of being with my children's fathers long past the expiration date of our relationships. I wrestled hard with the public perception of male lead households, nuclear families along with my personal value system about marriage and family. I saw my parents and grandparents essentially do life together and uphold the vows they exchanged — I had my mind set on doing that very same thing with the men I had children with. So— in tradition I gave my children their fathers last names.
Which now as a single mom, I often experience the ramifications of that choice at doctors offices, schools or public settings where I bring all three of my littler children. I am regularly called by my children’s last name — Mrs (their Dads last name). I can’t tell you the shame I feel when I correct them and say my different yet correct last name — the awkwardness the other person feels for having assumed I was married and mistakenly calling me a Mrs. This just exposes that public perception and that divide, the societal norm or expectation which then focuses in that there was no marriage or official unity in our family — which breeds the playground for “single mom shame.”
Single Moms or “baby moms”— bare unfair generalizations, depictions and negative connotations that are frequently referenced in society. Traits that depict a certain way of lifestyle, characteristics, education level and class. None which are completely accurate but seem to have become a stereotype. As if being single and a mother is a negative. In actuality- it’s a badge of honor.
Let go of the ruminating thoughts and illusion you told yourself was “normal”…
The hardest part for me was letting go of the ideal I had accepted & created in my mind as our reality. I had convinced myself that the normality of a “family” unit meant, mother, father and children together under one roof. I couldn’t let go of that thought — so much that at one point I was so bitter and angry at my ex and myself that our family unit looked this way! It felt like a failure, the disappointment was self inflicted based on my beliefs and what I thought societal norms were. To retrain your mind you really have to rewrite the narrative and speak only the truths to yourself.
Change the inner self talk
A lot of what you are thinking is the problem. The projection of your thoughts on the outside world around you. It’s self sabotage. You have have to find a way to change the way you think about yourself and your situation. Ideally — single parenting was not the first choice but you are here now. Do not feel sorry for yourself. Do not be too hard on yourself. Speak life into yourself and remind yourself daily that you are powerful, worthy, capable and purposeful.
Find time for yourself with out your children
Apart of changing the single mom shame narrative involves you having a life outside of being a mom. You are still in there. That version of you is still in there, do not forget to tend to her as well. Oftentimes we lose ourselves as a individual. Our lives become dedicated to our children whether its working outside the home to provide a life or inside the home to ensure they are taken care of. You have to find time to do things that you love, go out with friends, read a book or anything that makes YOU-YOU!
Join a single moms support group
Surrounding yourself with other single mothers who understand how you feel, where you are coming from and are able to effectively affirm and support you through both the hardships and the good times is priceless. The relief I felt when I joined my single moms groups changed the trajectory of my strength and abilities. There was something about the strength of the other moms, me sharing my story and my strengths — that felt validating. Sometimes you just need a place to unload, unwind and be heard regarding the stresses of your life, situation and balancing it all as a single mom. Also, a place where being a single mom is the norm and not frowned upon.
Believe in yourself.
The other thing is to believe in yourself. You are your number one fan and supporter. You are stronger than you know. It might seem hard or scary at first but you are equipped with the courage, strength and know how to raise your babies on your own. Create avenues, find resources and make sure you dedicate time to self care each day.
Make outings fun and adventurous.
Stop worrying about the world around you. Run your race — with no comparisons. Other peoples opinions of you really is not your business. Those thoughts, perceptions and projections are filters from their own reality. So focus on yourself and your children when you go out on outings and adventures. So what that you are a single Mom!
This too shall pass.
Give yourself time, give yourself grace and don’t rush anything. It took me a while to accept my “family” structure and be okay with it and be okay with not being okay sometimes. I am human and so are you. Work through whatever emotional scars or pain that might cause you to overthink or worry about how you’re being perceived in society. Remember your reality is your norm.
